Marriage, Republicans and the 2016 election

I have been thinking all week about the Republican candidates for United States President and how none of them think they can be seen as a supporter of marriage rights for same-gender couples. What I found in my research is that with a few exceptions, notably Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal, among possible major candidates, those running don't really want to alienate supporters of marriage equality. Their problem is that certain church denominations demand that candidates deny any possible compromise on marriage. The candidates all pander to the right when they feel they have to, like Rand Paul, who said at a recent prayer breakfast that there is a " moral crisis that allows people to think there would be some sort of other marriage."

Otherwise, like Rick Perry or Marco Rubio, they think states have the right to define marriage. Or like Scott Walker who said "I don't comment on everything out there," when asked. Ted Cruz, however, going against the "States Rights" argument, introduced a constitutional amendment to ban any recognition of same-gender marriages. I'm old enough to remember George Wallace using "States Rights" to protest Federal intervention in school desegregation or voting rights. Religious groups at the time used the Bible to support segregation.

More locally, Cindy Frich and Joe Statler, state delegates from Monongalia County, both voted for a resolution to support that amendment.

Part of me thinks that all the gay people in Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas and yes, West Virginia, should just pick up and leave. When Joe was looking for congregational jobs, I made the decisions about where to apply, and I vetoed Michigan and Nebraska because I saw them as anti-gay states. We only ended up in West Virginia because Morgantown is a college town, and the congregation here looked like a good fit. And now we've decided to stay here despite Cindy Frich and Joe Statler (and the two other Republican delegates from here). The house we just purchased is in the City of Morgantown, partly because the city council passed a resolution supporting same-gender marriage and a non-discrimination law.

One last thing I found in my research. Our real issues are economic. Rick Santorum's entry into the campaign did not focus on denying gay people rights. I'm sure he'll get to that, but meantime he wants to end "Obamacare," cut any regulations that he sees as "job killers" (i.e. environmental protection, minimum wage increases, anti-discrimination rules). He talked about what he will do for American workers. He meant what he will do for corporate leaders.

The Democrats have come out firmly, finally, for marriage equality.   The more important issue is will they work for economic equality. Joe and I will be married no matter what the legality of it is. I will be more hurt if Social Security and Medicare are cut.

Joe and I will celebrate ten years together this coming December. We will be legally married seven years in November. People who think our marriage shouldn't be allowed are too late, by a lot. And they have no right to expect me to be even polite to them or their religious denomination.

House Resolution 99

Here in West Virginia, we have one of the worst state legislatures in the nation. The Legislature was never much good, but this year, the first time in many years there was a Republican majority, it has been nightmarish. While promising jobs and a fix for our state's awful road system, they have filed bills to limit abortion, overturn the efforts to make our water safer, gut mine safety regulations, overturn the Affordable Care Act, shield mine operators, nursing homes and used car dealers from lawsuits, and allow anyone to carry a concealed weapon without a permit. No jobs and no improvements to the roads.

Now a large group of legislators has filed a resolution, HR 99, to call for an amendment to the United States constitution stating:

 "Only a union between one man and one woman may be a valid marriage in the United States. The states and their political subdivisions may not create a legal status for same-sex relationships to which is assigned the rights, benefits, obligations, qualities or effects of marriage"

Twenty-eight state delegates signed on to this; two are among the five delegates from Morgantown.

I would note that both the City of Morgantown and West Virginia University, represented by these people, have non-discrimination ordinances which include LGBT people. The Morgantown City Council voted to support same-gender marriage last year.

Here are the letters I wrote to those two. Both are Republicans.

To Cindy Frich:

 I am your constituent and I am in a same-gender marriage conducted in California in 2008 by clergy of my religious denomination, and affirmed by the courts as valid in West Virginia. You have cosponsored HR 99, which, as you know, calls for a United States constitutional amendment prohibiting any legal same-sex relationships. In addition to being a colossal waste of time, as this will clearly go nowhere, it is a narrow-minded and hateful resolution. If you want to be seen that way, that's up to you. I will do everything in my power to see that you are not re-elected.

You promised to fix roads and provide jobs. All you've done in this session is introduce bills to allow every highly disturbed, undiagnosed individual in the state to carry a gun anywhere they want without a permit. You have set this state back fifty years in this session alone. I am disgusted.

Barry Wendell

To Joe Statler:

 I am your constituent and I am half of a same-gender marriage conducted legally and by clergy in my religious denomination in California in 2008. Our marriage has been confirmed as legal in West Virginia by Federal courts. You have cosponsored a resolution to the US Congress for a constitutional convention to ban any legal recognition of same-gender relationships. In addition to being a colossal waste of time, as this will clearly go nowhere, it makes you look like a bigot. If that's how you want to be perceived, then so be it. I will work to make sure you are not reelected.

Morgantown and WVU are both tolerant and gay-friendly places. This is one of the few counties in the state that has had any economic growth in the last twenty years. People like you are working to give this place the kind of "backward" image that plagues most of West Virginia.

I also saw the letter in today's Dominion Post criticizing you for siding with mine owners to overturn safety regulations for miners. If you succeed in that, then you are potentially a murderer as well as a bigot.

Barry Wendell

At this point, the resolution is in the House Judiciary Committee. The session ends soon; it may not get out of committee.

I don't expect to hear back from these delegates.

Update: I did hear back from Joe Statler by e-mail:

"Thank you sir I appreciate your comments believe me sir I do not judge people on their life styles and I do make mistakes"

Just like that - no punctuation.

Holiday Update: Washington and New York

I guess it's a symbol of how alienated I feel in West Virginia, that I was so happy to be in the Washington area Thanksgiving, and in New York for a week around Christmas. Part of it was being with our families. My nephew is now back with my sister for a short time, and I enjoyed his company. A highlight was playing "Cards Against Humanity" with my sister, my husband, my nephew and two of his cute 23-year-old friends. Hard to imagine my mother doing that, or Joe and I being able to do that as The Rabbi and His Spouse in Morgantown. My sister Robin, and Joe bonded over Scrabble, which I won't play. They are both too cutthroat for me. We also visited Baltimore, where I picked a bunch of historic sites to visit. I loved showing Joe parts of my original hometown.

Joe's siblings all showed up in New York City, and we were able to hang with his father's beautiful widow, Naomi. She treated us all to dinner at a restaurant with fine food, all recognizable and not food-porn stuff, and great service. Joe and I attended services at Congregation Beth Simchat Torah Friday night. We arrived via subway, and worshiped with probably two hundred other LGBT Jews. Joe caught up with friends from high school and college; I saw three of my cousins and a college classmate I still talk about all the time. I loved being around people who aren't thinking that we are less than they are because we are Jews or a same-gender couple. Good to be with people in our age group too.

We had each picked a play we wanted to see in New York. His had already closed, so I bought tickets online to my choice, "Beautiful: The Carole King Musical." I loved the dedication of the cast, the singers and dancers portraying The Shirelles, The Drifters and Little Eva. I understand that, at sixty-five, I am the target audience for this show. 

New York and Washington are both beautiful cities. People here in Morgantown will brag that they have never been to either. We walked around Central Park in unseasonably warm weather Christmas Eve, counting how many foreign languages we heard - lots. I imagine many of the people are tourists, as we were. I just loved being there.

Growing up in Maryland, with four grandparents living in New York, I feel close to both New York and Washington. It feels more "at home" than Morgantown ever will.

It's New Years Eve, about 11 A.M. as I write this. Joe and I are meeting with a friend from Tree of Life for lunch at a restaurant. It's sunny out, but about 22 F. and windy. We don't really care to go out tonight. We'll probably watch one of the screeners I have from SAG-AFTRA for the SAG awards and go to bed early.

For 2015, I hope to be more at peace with where we live. I was reminded this morning of how blessed  I am. In the comic strip Dilbert, he has gone online looking for a date. He said "Tall, with hair and a job" and got thousands of responses from women. When I met Joe, I was, as I am now, short and bald. I worked no more than seven hours per week when we met; I don't work at all now. Still, he stays with me, and we support each other. It's worth living here to be with him.

Joe, playing scrabble with Robin, Greenbelt, MD

In Baltimore, Thanksgiving weekend

With my first cousin Eric Polk in East Northport, NY

Dinner with the Hamples and partners at Pasha Turkish Restaurant in New York

Broadway in the 70s. Joe and his brother are walking away from me

With one of my college housemates, John Hnedak, at The Met

Joe with Steven Levine, his friend from school days, Scarsdale, NY

With my cousin Howie Rotblatt near Times Square

Joe by Central Park Reservoir

65

I'm sixty-five now. I keep having to repeat that. Soon I will believe it. On my actual birthday, I taught a class to people over fifty (mostly over seventy) about the music of the British invasion of the Sixties. This week was 1968. I played music and videos from The Beatles, "Hey Jude" and The Beatles (aka "The White Album"). I played The Rolling Stones singing "Jumpin' Jack Flash" and some excerpts from Beggars Banquet. I lost them with a video of Cream playing "White Room" and excerpts from Wheels of Fire. A woman I'm friendly with raised her hand and asked "Why are we listening to this noise?"

I tried to explain, as I did to family and sometimes friends in 1968, "This isn't 'Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I've Got Love In My Tummy.' It's not aimed at ten-year-old girls like most Top 40 music. You have to listen more intently. It might take time to get used to it." So I guess I haven't learned anything in the last forty-seven years. I got the same blank look I got in 1968. Someone in the class brought cookies because they knew it was my birthday.

I had lunch at Subway with a seventy-five year old man in the class. He grew up in New York, and although not Jewish, he knew lots of Jews then and even now in Morgantown. His wife died some time ago, and he asked me "Are there available women at your temple?" I mentioned two widows in their sixties who might be available. "I know them. I don't want anyone like that. Look at me. I'm in great shape for my age." (He's not.) " Isn't there anyone younger?"

At that point, I silently thanked God for sending me Joe, gray-haired, balding (not as bald as I am) and only seven years younger than I am. Old enough that we have things to talk about, and young enough to be my "young man."

There was a class about Yiddish theater with a movie in the afternoon, then I ran some errands and went home to crash. Tappuz the cat slept with me.

Joe thought we should go someplace fancy for dinner. We did, although I wasn't hungry after all the cookies, and I was tired. There was one other occupied table with an older couple and a young woman. I didn't know them. At least that's what I thought, but the older woman said "Hi, Barry. Happy birthday!" I couldn't place her, but it turns out she is in my class. She couldn't come that day. I should have remembered her.

Some of the food was good. My entrée was just average. Everything was expensive. I couldn't wait to leave. I'm always glad to go out, but I was tired and not feeling that well. I was reminded of my mother insisting we go out someplace fancy for my twenty-first birthday. I was a hippie college student then, a senior, and seriously depressed. Depressed enough that I wouldn't go to a shrink because I was afraid they would hospitalize me. The thought of getting dressed up enough to go to a nice restaurant sent my stomach into spasms. I hadn't eaten much that day, and I was in pain. I barely got through dinner then. An allergist years later explained that my stomach ailments, always around my birthday, were a seasonal allergy. Now you tell me.

I look at now and I have to do the Jewish thing. I have to be grateful for all the gifts in my life. I have a handsome, good, hard-working man at home who loves me. The times have changed enough that I can thank the waiter for not asking if we want separate checks and he'll answer "I'm young, but I'm not that young." I'll introduce my husband to a male-female couple, and they'll say to him "We've heard so much about you from members of your congregation. They just love you." As of two weeks ago, the state accepts our marriage. Most of the people aren't happy about it, but we've already changed people's minds about same-gender marriage, even here.

I have a body that works, with a little pharmaceutical help. I've dodged polio, teenage drivers, Vietnam and AIDS. I survived a heart attack, and done many dangerous things I hope no one finds out about. I'm still here. Sounds like a Sondheim song :" I've lived through George and George W., Nixon-Agnew. " I should leave lyric writing to Mr. Sondheim.

I understand mortality. I'm four years younger than my father when he died, and ten years younger than my mother. I get it. Still, I look in the mirror and say "Not bad." I remember and study the past, live in the present, and still have plans for the future. Joe is throwing me a dinner and dance party this weekend.

Re: Marriage

In my last post, I mentioned that the Supreme Court, by refusing to hear appeals by states to overturn lower court rulings in favor of marriage equality, opened the door to our marriage being recognized in West Virginia. The circuit court gave West Virginia's anti-gay attorney general, Patrick Morrisey, two weeks to come up with a reason to stop same-gender marriage. Last week, Morrisey folded and same-gender marriage is now allowed in West Virginia. The papers have had pictures of couples, often two women with children, signing up for marriage in some of West Virginia's more rural counties. A pastor in a rural town not far from Morgantown railed impotently against the new rules. He swore he would not marry a same-gender couple in his church. As if anyone would ask.

I wrote a letter to the editor of The Dominion-Post, which they published Wednesday, October 14. Next to it was a letter from someone in a town of 380 in the eastern panhandle, complaining that the courts had overstepped, because the states have the right to define marriage, according to his reading of the Constitution. That issue was settled with the demise of laws against interracial marriages fifty-some years ago.

Here's my letter:

It didn't seem like it would be a big deal. We married in California in 2008 just before Prop 8 passed there, ending the spate of marriages that  had lasted a few months. Our marriage remained legal in California, and when asked, I always said "I'm married," even when we moved to West Virginia in 2012. We've made lots of friends here, but I still  felt hostility, particularly when I asked Senator Manchin and Congressman McKinley to support same-gender marriage and they wouldn't. Just this week, Senate candidate Capito said she believes "marriage is between a man and a woman." Attorney General Morrisey has never even pretended to be a friend to gay people. Still, when DOMA was defeated, I was able to put my spouse on my health insurance, saving us $6500 per year.

Despite my jadedness, both Joe and I have been walking around smiling since marriage equality came to West Virginia. We feel more "at home" here.

What has moved me are the pictures and stories of people in rural counties as well as the cities signing up to marry. They usually say "We're just like everybody else." But they're not, and we're not. We've all been through a lot.  We've had to come out to ourselves, risk losing our families, our friends and our religion to be who we really are. Those of us who are married and marrying have found love and are running with it, and the court has recognized our right as free people in the United States of America to marry the person we choose.

Many people in West Virginia oppose same-gender marriage, they say, because they are conservatives. To me, marrying my boyfriend six years ago was the most conservative thing I could have done.

It's been a great week in West Virginia. Thanks to Governor Earl Ray Tomblin, the Morgantown City Council and WVU President E. Gordon Gee for supporting us.